i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
