nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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