You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
