I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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