I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
