my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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