I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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