Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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