Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
