i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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