Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
