maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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