I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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