Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
