i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
