Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
