tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
