This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
