dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
