Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
