my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
