Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
