that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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