you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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