My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
