From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
