I wish my penis had an off switch
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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