This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
