It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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