I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
