so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
