I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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