If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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