Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
