Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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