I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
