if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
