K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
