K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Your penis caused this!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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