I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
