I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
