FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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