i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
