Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
