U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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