if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
