They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
