He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
