i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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