I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
