Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
