What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
