the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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