Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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