I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
