Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm too high and old for this...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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