There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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