i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
