Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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