Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this just has baby written all over it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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