i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Everyone says I win the strip club
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
