Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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