apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
